


Wait

by waywardsarah



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Episode 15x03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-04 07:00:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21193523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywardsarah/pseuds/waywardsarah
Summary: Cas can’t live on in a family where he doesn’t feel welcome anymore.“I think it’s time for me to move on”





	1. Time to Move On

“Why does that something always seem to be you”

The sentence rings in Cas’s head as he tries to process what Dean just said to him. After years of being able to develop feelings and emotions, all he feels is...emptiness.

Cas has always stuck by Dean’s side. When he called, he was there. When he prayed, he was there. Hell, when Cas was told to leave the bunker after just becoming human, he left. 

And then Dean came back and he welcomed him with open arms.

Well not this time.

Cas lets out a huff of a laugh, almost like a grimace, “You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me”

Cas looks up to Dean’s eyes then. He can tell this is hurting Dean too, but not nearly as much as he used to. 

Dean used to look at him with such fondness. When he was in trouble he would have a furrow in his eyebrow and had worry swimming in his eyes.

He gets a blank stare from Dean who continues to try and hide his emotions after 11 years of friendship, but he can see right through the betrayal he feels after his mother.

“My powers are failing and I’ve tried to talk to you, over and over, but you just don’t want to hear it.”

A phrase pops into his head just then and tugs at Cas’s heart strings.

“I’m dead to you, and you still blame me for Mary.”

He gets a reaction from that. Dean gives a little nod as he acknowledges the truth he believes are in those words.

And Cas is done with it all.

He’s done feeling worthless.

He’s done being pushed aside.

He’s done being told over and over that he’s family when he clearly is only family when someone needs him.

“Well, I don’t think that there’s anything left to say”

Cas turns to walk out without the intent of looking back.

“Where’re you going”

Wow, so Dean does have the capability of speaking.

“Jack’s dead.”

His son

“Chuck’s gone.”

His father

“And you and Sam have each other”

His love and his bestfriend

“I think it’s time for me to move on.”

Cas waits a few seconds before walking out the door. Waiting for Dean to say or do anything. Lashing out in anger would’ve been better than the silence that he receives as he makes his way up the staircase and towards the door. 

His hand is on the door knob when he hears a muttered, “Wait”


	2. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Dean ever be able to reconcile things with Cas or is the damage already done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I’m just going with the flow with this fic and writing as I please so I don’t know how long it will end up being. Here’s part two!

He really shouldn’t.

Without knowing what he’s doing he takes his hand off the door knob. How can one little word; one syllable, from Dean’s lips make him stop leaving the bunker.

Cas makes no move to even spare Dean a glance back; he just stands motionless at the bunker door.

And then there are footsteps.

Dean makes his way towards the steps and even starts to go up them; however, when Dean is at the top and tries to reach for Cas, he can’t take it anymore.

“Stop.”

Dean stops, with his hand reaching towards Cas, but not quite making it. He lets his arm fall to his side in defeat and stares at the ground.

“Cas, I’m-“

Cas sighs, “Dean, if you’re going to say you’re sorry, I don’t want to hear it.” At this point Cas can barely keep his voice from wavering and tears start to fill his eyes as he chances a glance at Dean.

Dean isn’t in much of a better state; although he tries to conceal his hurt, his eyes are swimming with guilt and sadness. 

They’re both broken.

“I know, Cas,” Dean says in defeat, “I know this has gone too far. Can I...can we please talk about this?”

Cas knows that he shouldn’t. He should walk out that door and never turn back. What is he good for anyways? He was just told that he screws up everything he does. 

Dean must see the internal battle that Cas is having with himself because he cautiously moves a hand to Cas’s shoulder, and when he realizes Cas won’t pull away, he goes for a hug.

Dean holds on and doesn’t let go and Cas slowly worms his arms around Dean. Dean signs in relief and starts to slightly  
shake and tightens his grip on Cas.

After a few moments, Cas pulls away and looks at Dean.

“Fine.”

“Fine?” Dean furrows his brows in confusion.

“I’ll hear what you have to say.”

With that Dean’s eyes turn soft and he gestures for Cas to walk down the stairs. If Cas didn’t know any better, he would say that Dean was just trying to get in between him and the door.

Cas pulls out a chair to settle down in the war room, but Dean pushes it back it.

“Do you mind if we talk in my room?” Dean says almost awkwardly.

Cas turns a curious eye on Dean, “Why?”

“I...I just don’t want, I don’t-“ Dean gestures to the bunker door and starts to look anxious.

Cas pieces together what he’s trying to say, “You’re worried I’ll leave.”

Dean nods and rubs a hand down his face.

Without another word, Cas starts towards the hallway and down the hall to Dean’s room. He smirks when he hears Dean scramble to keep up with him.

Once both inside, Dean shuts the door with a soft click as Cas goes to sit over on his bed. When Dean turns around, he looks a bit surprised to see Cas sitting there.

After a few moments of contemplation, Dean decides to sit next to Cas; both their legs hanging off, sitting about a foot apart.

Cas can’t take walking over egg shells any longer.

“I don’t understand what you think you can do to change my mind about leaving. You have clearly showed that you have no interest in the matter.”

Dean looks at him with what seems to be a mix of guilt, but subtle disgust.

“You really think I want you to leave? You think I wanted any of this?”

“I’m dead to you.”

“Cas-“

“They were your words, not mine,” Cas says indignantly, “and you still blame me for Mary.”

At the mention of his mother, Dean clenches his jaw. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before he settles on something to say.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Dean says barely above a whisper. 

Dean’s eyes start to go red and tears start to form in his eyes. He tries to keep them at bay; however, some spill over.

“I just didn’t...I didn’t know how to react. I lost my Mom, Cas. I lost her at four and now i just lost her again.”

Cas feels sympathy for Dean, he really does, but his anger is beginning to take over. 

“I understand you are hurt. I understand what it’s like to lose people, but what I don’t get is your inability to actually talk to me rather than put the blame on me.”

Dean looks up and he wants to retaliate, but he remains quiet as Cas continues.

“How was I supposed to know the consequences of Jack’s missing soul?”

At the mention of Jack, he stifles a sob. He still has to tell Dean that Jack’s vessel is fried to a crisp down in Hell.

Dean looks over confused at the tears suddenly streaming down Cas’s face but doesn’t say anything.

“I know I should’ve talked to you about Jack, but like I said before, I didn’t want to lose our family,” Cas looks up then, already feeling that he’s done so. 

“I just wanted my family,” Cas whispered, “and with everything going on with Micheal, I...I didn’t think I should’ve caused anymore stress. Dean, I’m-“

“Stop, don’t you dare say you’re sorry.”

It takes Dean a few moments to actually collect himself. He rubs a hand down his face to try and wipe away some of the tears sliding down his cheeks and steals a glance at Cas. He looks over Cas’s state and frowns.

“I should’ve been there for you,” Dean says angrily, “I know that I’ve been shitty and we’ve had a lot going on, but I just pushed everyone else aside...”

Cas’s heart starts pounding.

“My mom’s death wasn’t your fault, Cas. I don’t even hold Jack resposible. I blame myself,” Dean says.

“It wasn’t your fault either Dean, we made a choice to save Jack, but none of us knew he would burn through his soul! I had my uncertainties later on, but we just wanted our son safe. We weren’t worried about the consequences.”

As Cas is saying this, Dean moves closer to Cas, thighs and shoulders now touching.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Dean says.

Cas was expecting more. He deserves more of an apology. 

“Dean...” he moves to make a small space in between them again. Dean looks at him with a sense of understanding, but also with hurt.

“Like I said before, I don’t want an apology,” he looks down at his hands laying on his lap.

“Then what do you want?” Dean asks questioningly.

“I need time alone, Dean.”

Dean’s head snaps over and the tears flow down his face freely this time. 

“Why?”

Cas looks at him with a bit of anger, “The word sorry doesn’t take back the way you have treated me and the lack of care you gave anything I had to say.” Cas’s anger rises even more, “Dean, I’m dead to you. You only want to be with me when you need me.”

Dean scoffs and sniffles, “That’s not-“

“What? Not true?” Cas interrupts. “You sent me to Hell with Belhegor without even worrying if I’d get back safely. I had to KILL my son, Dean.”

“He was already dead, Cas”

“His vessel is no longer recoverable,” Cas says stifling a sob again. His eyes that were locked with Dean are now focusing on the floor.

Dean seems to connect the dots and looks up at Cas.

“I had to smite Belhegor, the vessel is fried to a crisp. If you would’ve listened to me, he was trying to take Hell for himself. He was using all of the souls to try and gain more power,” he looks at Dean who looks a little shaken, “what would we have done then?”

Dean is silent. He doesn’t even say a word.

When silence fills the room, Cas nods his head and stands to get up, but a hand on his wrist keeps his on the bed.

“Damn it, Cas, we have to fix us.”

Cas looks at him, remembering that day he was stuck in the ring of holy fire. Saying that it wasn’t broken, but Cas feels the opposite now.

He gets up and softly takes Dean’s hand in both of his.

“Dean, we’re far too broken.”


	3. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This will be in Dean’s point of view. I want to make sure to let everyone get a sense of how both Cas and Dean are feeling with this situation because they both are hurting. I hope you enjoy <3

DEAN’S POV

“Dean we’re far too broken.”

This one sentence rings in Dean’s head for what seems like hours. Then he suddenly feels his hand slip through Cas’s fingers. He looks up to find Cas watching him carefully and he gets lost in the blue of his eyes.

How can he ever come back from this? How is he supposed to fix this? Put a bandaid on it and call it a day? 

Dean has been so used to the resilience Cas has had in the past. He has said so many things he regrets, but Cas always had this “I-don’t-care” attitude so he never really had to worry about it. 

But this...this is different. He can see the pain Cas has in his eyes. He can see the sadness.

And he was the cause of it.

All of these years, he has treated Cas like shit. He has always been put first and he has never thought once that Cas may be hurting because he has this ambiance of always being okay. It’s always been “How are you, Dean?” or “You called?”

And when he asked Cas the other day if he was okay he brushed him off. His powers are failing and all the ghosts were released from hell and he brushed him off.

But he was blinded by his own hurt. His own fears. He didn’t want to believe Mary was gone again and it was easier to put the blame on someone rather than try and work anything out. 

So blinded that he sent Cas to hell with Belphegor.

Where he had to smite his own son to a point his body wasn’t revorable.

“You just don’t care,” Cas had said.

How did he fuck it up this badly?

His thoughts are interrupted when Cas sighs and looks down. He looks so resigned and so broken.

And yeah, Dean did that.

“Cas, I-“

He wants to apologize. He wants to cry in Cas’s arms and say he’s sorry one-hundred times over and that still won’t recover their friendship, this love, they’ve built over the years. 

“I’m dead to you.”

Why...how could he let him think he thought that? How did he let his anger build up that much to let Cas think that he was dead to him.

Cas was his win. Cas has always been his win.

“I...,” Dean starts, “I can’t sit here and say I’m sorry. Not because I’m not, but because saying sorry doesn’t even begin to express the apology I owe you. That word will never be enough, and I don’t think anything I ever do will be able to fix this.” Dean’s eyes blur with tears as he comes to this realization, but he keeps his eyes trained on Cas because he needs to say this.

Cas looks at him, with what seems to be like a minuscule of hope. He eyes where he was previously sitting, looking like he’s trying to make the decision on whether or not he should sit.

Dean gestures to the bed and Cas slowly  
lowers himself down. However, this time there seems to be a bigger gap in between them and Dean can’t help to let a tear fall because of that.

“You have always been there. When you were an angel, when you were graceless and when you were human you never thought once about yourself. It was only about taking care of your family.”

Cas stares Dean intently. There’s tears of his own forming at his eyes but he quickly turns his head to the wall and he tries to blink them away.

But Dean needs his full attention. He needs Cas to see into his gaze and understand him like he has always seemed to be able to do since day one.

“You don’t think you deserve to be saved.”

Dean reaches across the space between him and allow his fingers to graze Cas’s hand. Cas freezes and he stares down at their hands. He looks up at Dean and then back down at their hands. 

Dean is about to draw his hand back, but he feels Cas slowly turns his hand around, palm up, and starts to tangle his fingers together with Dean. They both let out a breath of air they didn’t know they were holding and they continue to stare at their interlocked hands.

Then Dean speaks again.

“You don’t think we deserve to be saved.”

Cas’s head jerks up at that and he just stares at Dean. There are tears forming and slowly falling down both their faces and Cas even stifles a little sob.

“And I don’t think I deserve you,” Dean whispers.

With that Dean can’t stop the inevitable tears that flow down his face. He breaks. 

He cries for his mom.

He cries for Jack.

He cries for the life he has lost to Chuck.

But most importantly...

He cries because he has lost Cas.

He doesn’t notice that Cas has wrapped his arms around him in a hug until he feels the tremble that goes through Cas’s body. Dean pulls back and finds Cas’s eyes again.

Neither one of them can find words to say to each other. There is too much water under the bridge to move past this. 

Dean continues to search Cas’s face for any type of reaction, but finds none. 

“If you want to leave I wouldn’t blame you,” Dean says. They keep eye contact with each other; both squeezing each other’s hand tight. “I don’t want to make you feel like you’re anything less than family and my own problems are not an excuse.”

Dean has to keep talking. He knows he’s telling Cas to move on, but he just can’t bear the thought of life without him. He already had to go through this once and he isn’t crazy about going through it again.

“You are family, Cas. I need you to know that.”

So much for continuing to talk because at that point Dean just can’t stop the tremble in his voice. 

“I know,” Cas whispers softly, “but you have to understand my frustration.”

Dean is surprised to hear Cas speak after not talking this whole time, but he is even more surprised Cas doesn’t think he gets it.

“Cas, I do-“

“You don’t,” Cas says while removing his hand from Dean’s. “You and Sam, you don’t understand what it was like to lose your whole family that you have spent eons with. Who fought wars with you. Who you rebelled against for a new family,” Cas says while looking angrily at the gap between them.

Cas looks up at Dean then, “A new family who you love and who you gave everything for, but doesn’t seem to care about you in return.”

Dean wants to interject, and wants to be angry at how wrong those words are...

But Cas needs this. He needs to be angry and he needs to let this out or nothing will get solved.

“And a family who only ever really calls you family if they seem to need something from you,” Cas says, almost reluctantly. 

Ouch, well that hurt.

Dean opens his mouth to say something, but Cas puts a hand up to signal he’s not done.

“I have been blinded by my love for...” Cas stops and meets Dean’s eye for half a second before looking down again before speaking again, “...this family to ever see that I’ve been being used and mistreated this whole time.”

There’s a long pause, but Dean lets it be filled with silence because he knows Cas has more to say.

Cas looks up at Dean with his eyes full of hurt and points an accusing finger at Dean, “You say that ‘you need me’ and I’ve always thought it may have meant more than that. It felt like more than that...but it all feels like a lie.”

Suddenly, Dean’s hand is being squeezed like a lifeline when Cas finally breaks down.

“Dean, I don’t know what to feel anymore.”

And he cries. Cas starts crying, which Dean has never really seen before, and it hurts to see him this torn.

It’s his turn to hold Cas so he moves back over to Cas and lets him lean into his shoulder and he rubs soft circles onto his back.

If circumstances were different, Dean would love the intimacy of all of this. He would love to spend all day lying with Cas and showing him how much he is needed and loved. 

But Cas needs the comfort, and Dean is finally recognizing the weight of his words. Cas has been an angel and human and hasn’t had experience with all of these feelings that even Dean can’t control. 

And he doesn’t even know how to feel anymore. 

That breaks Dean’s heart.

“Cas, you have no faith,” Dean says with a dry chuckle and holds on to Cas tighter. 

Cas huffs a small laugh out of that too and clings onto Dean a little while longer before he starts to separate from the embrace.

When Dean sees the pain on Cas he just wishes he could clear it all away. He looks at Cas and picks out his next words carefully.

“Cas...do you remember when you said you wanted to come back with a win for me a while back?”

Cas looks up and nods.

“Well,” Dean says slowly, “you were that win. When you came back from the empty, man, you don’t understand how...how important you are. How important you are to me.”

Cas looks at him and his red eyes soften around the edges a bit. 

“I want to be that win for you, Cas. I can’t lose you again.”

“You won’t lose me,” Cas says quickly.

They sit for a few moments before Cas continues.

“I...I just need time to think, Dean. I don’t know what to think anymore. When I said it was time for me to move on, I...I just, I need time to be able to process this all. We’ve been through far too much to patch this up with the infamous, Dean Winchester mantra, ‘I’m fine.’”

Cas smiles at that and Dean finds himself with his own smile while nodding.

“So, you’re saying we’re not too broken?”

Cas’s smile turns into a small frown and he squeezes Dean’s hand, “we’re broken, but I think we can work together to try and pick up the pieces.”

With that, Cas releases Dean’s hand and stands up. He walks towards the door and opens it, but looks back on Dean once more. 

“I have faith in us.”

The door clicks behind him and as much as Dean wants to be happy about starting to reconcile, he is filled to the brim with fear because he doesn’t want Cas to leave.

Dean makes a beeline to the door and pulls the door open.

“Cas?” Dean whispers loudly, not wanting to be too loud in case Sam was asleep.

Cas stops in his tracks and turns his confused, squinty eyes at him, but approaches Dean’s doorway again, “Yes, Dean?”

“Are-uh-whereareyougoing?” Dean says in a fast jumble, anxiety coursing through his body.

“I was going to go-“ 

“Can you maybe stay in my room?” Dean interrupts. “You don’t have to sleep with me obviously because you don’t sleep and because y’know you wouldn’t sleep with me to begin with, but my laptop’s in there and my headphones and you could watch netflix or listen to mu-“

“Yes, Dean.”

Cas is already moving past Dean and into the room before Dean can react and he settles down at the desk. 

Dean knows that Cas saw the anxiety he had about his leaving and it makes his heart flutter.

Cas seems to know him so well, and Dean never put in the effort to try and do the same for Cas.

He shuts the lights out and lies down on his bed and he watches the dim lap top screen illuminate Cas’s face. He still sees the hurt and the sadness etched onto his face, but it has lessened since they talked.

As if Cas had spidey senses, and could sense Dean’s gaze, he looks over and locks eyes with Dean.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Dean can’t help but smile.

“Goodnight, Cas.”

*

After an hour of not sleeping, Dean sighs.

Dean tries to sleep, he really does, but he’s scared that Cas is going to try and leave and he can’t lose him.

“Dean, are you alright?” Cas says as the credits roll for what looks to be Orange is the New Black.

Dean knows it’s embarrassing, but if he’s going to fix anything with Cas he has to be honest.

“I can’t sleep...” Dean says reluctantly, “...I keep thinking I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.”

Cas looks at him with sad eyes, “Dean, I promise I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“I know, but, can you like...”

Dean tries to stop himself, but he can’t.

“Could you sit on the bed while watching your show? I just...I need to know you’re here.”

Cas looks reluctant, but he makes the executive decision to join Dean on the bed, but he doesn’t bring the lap top. He shuts the lap top and goes to the left side of the bed and joins Dean, lying on top of the blankets.

Without any warning, Cas seeks out Dean’s hand in the dark and holds it firmly, keeping him grounded.

“I’ll watch over you.”

Dean doesn’t say anything, because there’s just so much to say, and he allows sleep to consume him.


End file.
